I’ve heard once that before you embark on a long trip, you get this weird thing that I have failed to ever experience before now: “pre-departure jitters”. Ill be honest, I have never in my life felt that until right now. It is 5 days before I leave the country for 8 months, and I have never been more overwhelmed, scared, anxious, excited, stressed, and any other possible emotion you can throw into the mix. It’s causing me to be incredibly confused with how I am feeling about the whole up and coming adventures, and that is not something I was anticipating when I had the genius idea over the summer to leave as soon as the semester ended.

During my semester with Up With People, we had a lecture on something called the “Challenge zone”. Essentially, in life there are 3 places you can be: your comfort zone, your challenge zone, and your panic zone. We were taught that it is hard to learn anything about the world, as well as about yourself as long as your are in the comfort and panic zones, since in your comfort zone, you are not growing as a person, and in the panic zone, you are so overwhelmed that you have also stunted that growth. The challenge zone, on the other hand, is where you will grow, mature, and learn. Currently, if I had to declare where I am emotionally, I would say that I am in between the challenge and panic zone, which for me, is a first; one of many I am sure to encounter as I leave on my adventures.

As a disclaimer, and anyone who is also well traveled will attest to this, it doesn’t matter how many countries you have visited or how long you have been away from home, it is still possible to be afraid.  But let me explain: I am not afraid of the places that I am going, the people that I will meet, whether or not I will make friends, to learn in another language, budgeting my financials while I am away, or whether or not I will have a good time. Don’t get me wrong, I would be a fool to not be nervous about those things, yet I am not afraid that I will be unsuccessful. What I AM scared of, is leaving; saying goodbye.  I am afraid to leave Philadelphia, Temple University, my sorority sisters, my singing friends, my other friends, the people that I have grown to really care about etc. I have lived my entire life from trip to trip, waiting for the next possible chance for me to go somewhere new, yet here I am, about to embark on one of the greatest adventures of my life, and I find myself with my heart in my butt, butterflies in my stomach, and almost contemplating not going. Of course, I will go because I would be a complete idiot not to and this anxiety, I’m sure, will all change, once I head back to Colorado to then head to New Zealand, but nevertheless, I am entering into my Challenge zone on the Panic Zone turnpike, and it is taking every tool I have ever learned to not find myself panicking.

There is always a price you have to pay when you go and study abroad and it somehow seems to get overlooked when you decide to go and yet always seems to sneak up from behind and sometimes will hit you so hard you feel like you can’t breathe. This realization is that: life goes on without you. I will not be leaving and coming back to the same place, the same people, the same everything, because life will continue to move forward even after I leave the country. I will miss Spring Fling, Greek Week, Socials, Phidays,  Saturday nights, Acapacaparties, IBA meetings, Saint Patrick’s Day, and all of the other fun memories that people will be making that I am not a part of.

My biggest fear is that people will forget about me, or else, not even realize I’m not there. I’m afraid that the relationships that I have made with some wont be strong enough to hold out for 8 months, even though I have found myself more invested in the bond than I ever anticipated. I don’t want to not be there for my best friends when they need me most or if they need a hug, or explain to me something only I would understand. I’m afraid to leave the ones I love the most. Maybe it’s because I never really felt at home in Colorado that I never have felt this deep rooted fear within me, but Philadelphia and Temple are very different in that I have never before felt content with where I was. My happiness came from being on the road, yet I have found happiness in what is, to me, one of the most beautiful cities in the world, being surrounded by some of the most beautiful people in the world. Something that I have come to realize about myself in the last month as I have attempted to emotionally prepare myself for the months to come, I am absolutely and positively horrible at saying “goodbye”, even if it is just for a few months. The lump in my throat, the tears that begin the well up in my eyes, and the panicy feeling I get, never ever goes away, no matter how many goodbyes I have to say. It NEVER gets any easier.

Nevertheless, here I am, boxes are beginning to fill my room, yet it is looking emptier by the second. Plans have been confirmed and I am getting ready to go even if I don’t want to. This is going to be the most incredible semester of my life. I don’t see it as a sign of weakness to be afraid, but what I do see it a sign that I have changed from who I once was, and that there are people here at Temple that I have given a piece of my heart to, because otherwise, it would never be this hard to leave.

I guess if people were to read this blog post from Philadelphia, I would want them to know how much I love them and how although Ill be across the ocean, I’ll be thinking of them. I would want them to know that I am only an email away, and that there are people that I have met, even this semester, that I have grown to care deeply for, and it hurts me to have to leave you, even more than you have already seen. I would want both my family and my friends in both Colorado and Philadelphia to know how thankful I am for this opportunity, that I will be sure to be safe and return home with pictures and memories to share. I’d want my sorority sisters to know how much I am going to miss them and how excited I am to live in the house next year, I’d want my little to know that there are people that she can always turn to, even when I am away. I’d want others to know that even though I am leaving, my feelings towards them are very real and very true, and I will not forget you.

So I guess, in the spirit of my inability to say goodbye, this is me saying:

Bis Später (until next time)